I have to write. I don’t know what about, but I have to. . . my mind is all fuckered and I need an outlet.
I had an anxiety attack this morning. Why? Because I’m terrified of success and even more terrified of failure. I’m “burning in water, drowning in flame,” as Bukowski (my favorite tortured author) put it. Fuck I bang on about him a lot. Why? He was extreme. I’m extreme too, and I see myself in him. I feel like I’ve said that before. I never remember what I write.
What do you get out of that quote? My mind is a jumbled mess atm but it seems fitting - maybe it means that no matter what direction I go there will be pain - whether good, bad, productive or destructive. Every choice made is a sacrifice. Maybe I’m engulfed in contradictions. Burning has a better ring than drowning. It’s sexier somehow. I’ll choose that one. Drowning implies death. Burning, to me, is trudging through hell with victory waiting on the other side. Besides, water trumps fire.
The most painful state of being is …